All About Trey

ThoughtNot on Perpetual Motion

So I was blog hopping at work (which is my new passive aggressive way of dealing with all of the crap at work) and I came across a blog called Thought Not (thoughtnot.typepad.com/my_weblog/).

It's by a pretty cute bearish guy in NYC. Interesting reading and a view into a different, yet possibly parallel world. Recently he wrote in one of his posting something that resonated with me.

"It's put me in sort of a melancholy mood. Given me a lot of time to think about what I've been doing and where I'm going. I think at times I try to stay in perpetual motion so as to not have to answer those questions (or for that matter, question the answers I find comfortable.)"

Wow. That's definitely me. Perpetual motion. I think I denied that I was gay for a long time becuase of that. I've always let something (usually work) suck up all of my life and keep me always on the run so that I don't ever have to stop and think about the hard personal questions that I need to answer at some point: Am I happy? Am I the person I want to be? Where do I want to be in five years? Who do I want to be when I grow up?
At first it was easy. I went to the US Naval Academy and I was busy from 6AM to 11AM. School, athletics, miilitary drills, you name it. Then I was in the Navy and on a ship and again it was the same thing. Standing watch 12 hours a day, running a division, etc. I was just so busy with my life (very narrowly defined as my professional life) that I kept putting off a social life. "Oh I'm too busy. I'll have a social life later." Which also effectively delayed the actual realization/reality of what having a social life meant (very convenient for someone in the Navy and the DADT policy). Then I got out of the Navy, came out, and then got sucked into it all again. Now I need to build a professional life. I need to pour all of my energy into building a career. So here I go pushing off a social life.
And I think that's one of the reasons I'll go through certain periods where I'm just in a funk. It's hard to explain. It's like a little bubble of unhappiness breaks free from deep within my mind and finally breaks to the surface and when it does, I get into a funk.
Anyways, I've always suspected that gay men experience this alot. I also think we tend to overcompensate for not having a social life (for whatever reason) by becoming over achievers in the things we do. There's nothing we can't do, that we can't do to excess! It's like our inner drama queen trying to break out.
Oh well, I need to go do some work. Just kidding!!! It's actually time for me to go to bed so I can get up and go to work. ; )

posted by Trey @ 12:55 AM