Wednesday, July 20, 2005

The Republican Diet Program

I’ve been on the Republican Diet Program for almost a year now and I have to tell you it’s just AMAZING!!! Yep, a year ago some heathen, liberal, socialist, and probably gay Democrats were making ugly, unpatriotic comments about my weight, so I decided to declare a War On Fat or WOF, for short. My WOF would show them all that my love for my body is only surpassed by my love of my country. So I started on the Republican Diet.

The Republican Diet Guidebook (aka the WOF Bible!) described this great weight loss program. And the beauty of it, was that I wasn’t hungry at all. The Republican Diet Guidebook program lets you eat as much as you want while you are on the diet. Cookies, cakes, hamburgers, etc. It’s great. You’re never hungry. The secret to the program is that in future all of the food I will eat will have less calories and I’ll be burning the calories faster. So I can eat more now, since in the future food will have less calories. In fact, I need to eat more now since the food my children will eat will have no calories at all. I really love this part of the WOF!

The WOF Bible also recommended that I combine my diet with an exercise program for it to be really effective. Despite the fact that there are many gyms in my neighborhood, the RDG mandated that I had to join the Hexagon Gym, a subsidiary of Halliburton. So like any good Republican, I did. Despite the fact that the facilities at the gym were pretty bad, and the equipment was broken half the time, I really felt good about joining the gym. Especially since according to the RDG I didn’t actually have to go for the diet to work, just pay my dues. Sure it’s expensive and there were some minor billing problems. I mean, once I explain to the credit companies that the $100,000 gym fee was just a billing mistake, my credit history will be fixed in no time, I’m sure.

Unfortunately, after a couple of months, I still wasn’t seeing the results I really wanted. I had talked with the fitness experts at the Hexagon gym and they said that everything was on track and that I didn’t really need any more exercise or even diet. Surely if they thought I needed help winning my WOF, they would have told me, right?

I consulted the leader of my Republican Diet group and expressed my doubts about the plan. I’d had to buy new, larger clothes, and I felt confused. My group leader chastised me profoundly and told me that it was treason to doubt the Republican Diet Guidebook. He told me that I needed to pray to God to help me overcome my doubts and then I would lose all of the weight.

So I prayed, and I followed the program religiously. I ate, I paid my dues to the gym, and yet I kept getting bigger. Or atleast, I thought so. Everyone at my group kept telling me how great I was looking. That I must be losing weight. And they all can’t be wrong, can they?

When I had to buy XXL clothes, I went to the group leader again and asked when I would start to lose weight. He told me that my fat cells were in the last throes of their war on me, and soon I would win the WOF and be the thin, beautiful, patriotic, republican that God meant me to be.

In the meantime, my group keeps telling me how great and fabulous I look. So come join the Republican Diet Program. You too can pay lots of money, eat whatever you want, never exercise, and be surrounded by people telling you how great you look. And really, isn’t that what’s it’s all about?

5 Comments:

At 10:43 AM, Blogger cocoricamo said...

I LOVE IT. if i could give you a cookie, i would.

 
At 2:03 PM, Blogger Blue Fish, Red Pond said...

Stick to the program, it's only a matter of time before those pounds are shed.

Great post.

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Chris said...

This is why we love you. Just 3 more years of this and you can lose a bunch of deadweight.

 
At 9:50 PM, Blogger d.K. said...

This doesn't sound very complicated at all. In fact, I think the president visited 50 states in 50 days to promote the regimen. The great thing is that any problems that arise with the diet can be avoided and ignored and the next administration will figure out how to deal with it. What could be less complex?

Great post... Keep 'em coming ;)

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger Kim Gail said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 

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