Sunday, June 04, 2006

We Always Hurt The Ones We Love

So Dad. I thought we were doing okay. Not great. But okay. Well, maybe a bit less than okay. He still wouldn’t say that he loves me again, but I was hoping that it would come in time. He was here a couple of weeks ago and I thought it went okay. But apparently I was wrong.

On Thursday I got a letter from him. Expecting it to be a detailed report of his bike trip, I opened the letter, read the first few lines and then quickly sat down. It wasn’t pretty. At all. I have no idea what has changed since his last letter, which was harsh, but atleast offered some hope. Not this letter.

There were so many parts of the letter that I just couldn’t believe what he was saying. Abomination. A stake in the heart of our family. Thankful that my grandparents weren’t burdened with this horrible fact. I felt my heart break in two when I read the letter. And I still get upset when I look at it now. He was perfectly clear in the neat, yet firm and absolute, dismissal of who I am. “Go with God . . . “

Needless to say I’ve been all over the map emotionally this weekend. Doing my best to ignore it, to push it into the dark crevices of my mind to deal with more immediate, easily managed, problems. That’s what I usually do. And I’ve had some success.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us at this point. I don’t see the point in trying to argue with him. I think I just need to accept his opinions and beliefs, and yet still continue to love him. While his opinions and beliefs may not change, neither will my love for him. And maybe someday he’ll return that love.


At 10:46 AM, Blogger Vig said...

oh good grief. he sent you a letter like that? i don't know what i'd do now. although my folks did say some pretty hateful things when they found out i was gay 27 yrs ago (i was in the 9th grade.) over time things have gotten so great with them. but i remember how much their comments stunned me - and hurt.

my thoughts are with you.


At 8:30 PM, Blogger Chris said...

trey--i think it is time to call in my dad for a visit. does the general like hunting?


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