Sunday, February 27, 2005

Diva Fixation

So what is it with gay men and their fixation on divas?

Ooops, let me back track a bit. Got up early this AM, went to the gym (and how friggin cold is it out there?), and I'm doing 45 minutes on the elliptical cross trainer. My TV choices are ESPN's coverage of deep sea fishing, or some strange CNN show on non-traditional medicine stuff. You call those choices? So I ended up having some quality time to think and just jam out to my tunage on my MP3 player.

So one of my favorite songs come on, I've got the cardio burn going on, and I all of a sudden, I want to sing out. With my voice, not a good thing. But an idea for a new reality show: "When Endorphins Attack".

Anyways, I started to think about the song, the singer (a diva, natch), and then I wondered why gay men love divas. So here are a couple of random thoughts:

1) Divas are wrecks. Gay men are wrecks. So there's that "life is miserable" bond. Seriously. Look, you can't be a diva without having a sad combination of bad career moves, bad relationships (abusive boyfriends/husbands), money problems, and/or addiction problems. Madonna, Cher, Janet, Britney, Whitney, you name it. They've been there, done that. And survived. And so have a lot of gay men. Or atleast they think they have (been there that is).
2) Female singers sing about emotions. Yes, I love some male emo musicians, but it's not the same. If you want to listen to a song about a broken heart, or a cheating boyfriend, or about falling in love, you turn to women. They've been there. They know how it feels. And, they aren't afraid to put that music to a little dance beat and mix it up. Becuase if you're going to sing about heartache, or cheating boyfriends, or about love, you'll want to dance to it, shirtless, in a room full of hot men. (just go with it, okay)
3) Divas are the personification of drama queens. Everything they do is bigger and louder than life. They know how to cause a scene. They've been through too much crap to deal with the petty little things that world throws at them. They are better than that. Sounds like a gay man, right?

Okay, top five Diva songs to dance to:

1) Anastacia: One Day In Your Life
2) Taylor Dayne: How Many
3) Cher: This is a Song for the Lonely
4) Whitney Houston: I Learned From the Best
5) Deborah Cox: Play Your Part

Friday, February 25, 2005

ThoughtNot on Perpetual Motion

So I was blog hopping at work (which is my new passive aggressive way of dealing with all of the crap at work) and I came across a blog called Thought Not (

It's by a pretty cute bearish guy in NYC. Interesting reading and a view into a different, yet possibly parallel world. Recently he wrote in one of his posting something that resonated with me.

"It's put me in sort of a melancholy mood. Given me a lot of time to think about what I've been doing and where I'm going. I think at times I try to stay in perpetual motion so as to not have to answer those questions (or for that matter, question the answers I find comfortable.)"

Wow. That's definitely me. Perpetual motion. I think I denied that I was gay for a long time becuase of that. I've always let something (usually work) suck up all of my life and keep me always on the run so that I don't ever have to stop and think about the hard personal questions that I need to answer at some point: Am I happy? Am I the person I want to be? Where do I want to be in five years? Who do I want to be when I grow up?
At first it was easy. I went to the US Naval Academy and I was busy from 6AM to 11AM. School, athletics, miilitary drills, you name it. Then I was in the Navy and on a ship and again it was the same thing. Standing watch 12 hours a day, running a division, etc. I was just so busy with my life (very narrowly defined as my professional life) that I kept putting off a social life. "Oh I'm too busy. I'll have a social life later." Which also effectively delayed the actual realization/reality of what having a social life meant (very convenient for someone in the Navy and the DADT policy). Then I got out of the Navy, came out, and then got sucked into it all again. Now I need to build a professional life. I need to pour all of my energy into building a career. So here I go pushing off a social life.
And I think that's one of the reasons I'll go through certain periods where I'm just in a funk. It's hard to explain. It's like a little bubble of unhappiness breaks free from deep within my mind and finally breaks to the surface and when it does, I get into a funk.
Anyways, I've always suspected that gay men experience this alot. I also think we tend to overcompensate for not having a social life (for whatever reason) by becoming over achievers in the things we do. There's nothing we can't do, that we can't do to excess! It's like our inner drama queen trying to break out.
Oh well, I need to go do some work. Just kidding!!! It's actually time for me to go to bed so I can get up and go to work. ; )

Monday, February 21, 2005

Running in the Rain

I love it. I'm not sure why. I like it when it's just slightly drizzling or light rain. Tonight was like that. A little bit chilly (actually warm for Feb), I went out only in shorts and a long sleeve t-shirt. I had my new MP3 player and was jamming to tunes as I went. I haven't run in a couple of months, so it was good to get out. My winter training program hasn't been that successful, so I need to get more cardio into my life. Right now I've got two basic running routes. The Gtown loop and the Adams Morgan loop. The Gtown loop takes me down M St into Gtown. Then I run back along P St, through the Circle, and then home. I think it's about 3.3 miles. The Adams Morgan loop is a bit more complicated. I run to the Circle, up Connetticut into Woodly Park, then across the bridge into Adams Morgan, then down 18th St to U St, where I then cut over to 17th, down 17th to P and then home. I did the Adams Morgan loop this evening. Running up Connetticut is a bitch, but once you get to the top of the hill, you get to cross two bridges that span Rock Creek Park. It's just very cool.

So while I'm listening to my dance remixes on my MP3 player, I start thinking about love. When I was "straight" (just go with it for now, okay?), I sort of convinced myself that I was never going to fall in love, never be in love, never be loved. Kind of depressing, isn't it? Then I came out, and I fell in love, but it didn't work out. Since then it's been a string of dates (usually bad) that has lead to me where I am now. And as much as love hurt my friend, when he thought he had lost his bf, that's the love I want. The risky love, the put your heart out there and hope someone will protect it, cherish it, love it. And in turn love them.

Yikes, I sound like a bad romance novel. But it's what I want. So sue me.

The run was good. Stopped by the soviet safeway to pick up cereal and milk before I ran home. Time to get ready for work tomorrow.

Got Bugs?

Okay, I'm back online again. Not sure what happened, but my PC started to just S L O W down. It was freaky. And despite the fact that I do IT for a living, I'm just not that good at troubleshooting my own PC. So I've not been online that much. And maybe that's a good thing.

Anyways, I ended up hiring some guy to come over to clean up my PC. Definitely a wiz and he really cleaned up my machine. But he was not cheap! He said that I had a number of trojan software on my PC, as well as some spyware. Talk about people I'd like to hunt down and spam to death. Of course, now I wonder what sites have I been to that caused my PC to get infected. Gee, even cybersex isn't safe anymore. Now your PC can get a virus.

Friend update. He and his BF are communicating again. It looks like they are going to be able to work it out. Yeah!!!!!

Off for a run, more later.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Love Hurts Like a Hangover

Atleast according to the very wise, but usually drunk, Anastasia Beaverhauser (aka Karen from Will and Grace). During my music download days (bad Trey, bad), I downloaded this really funny song that's mix of great Karen quotes from W&G. It's just hilarious to listen to, and with the recent turn of events, a little enlightening.

Apparently I've entered a strange parallel universe where someone actually find me attractive, actually several someones, so I find myself in the very unique position of sort of dating with a couple of guys. Just dinner/drinks type of stuff. Anyways, I'm out at dinner on a date, I come back to my place and I get a phone call from one of my friends. He's crying so hard that I can barely understand him. And to say that I freak out is an understatement. He has never been a drama queen, so I know something is seriously wrong. I get the story out of him and I'm actually worried about him. So I get into the car to go visit him. He and his boyfriend of year and a half got into a really big fight and the bf walked out. As I'm driving to his place, I'm so worried about him that I have the shakes. So weird. When I get to his place, he can't stop crying and I just sit there and hug him and tell him that it will work out. That it's not the end. That his bf will come back. He and his bf are such a perfect couple (almost annoyingly so) and I just refuse to believe that it's over. After a while, he stops crying, we talk for a bit more, and then I send him to sleep while I drive back to the city.

What a long night, but it was something I needed to do and something I'm glad I did. He's my best friend and he needed some help. He needed a hug and someone to tell him that it was goign to be alright. And isn't that what friends are for? I'm still worried about him and call him a bunch to check in. Love does hurt. I'm hoping his hangover goes away quickly.

Friday, February 11, 2005

The Clinic

So it was time for my semi-annual pilgrimage to the clinic. Part of the “glamour” of being a gay man these days is going to get your HIV status checked. Basically as a left over habit from the Navy, and because it’s recommended, I get tested twice a year. And yeah, it’s not what you think. I know Catholic priests who have a more active sex life than I do. Anyways, I started going to the Whitman Walker Clinic when I came out because my loser doctor (Irish, Catholic, and not gay friendly) doesn’t actually do blood work at his office. You have to go to him to get a consult, to go someplace else to get the blood drawn. Then you have to go back to him to get the results. What a pain. Plus, with all of the crazy stuff going on these days, I’ve become a bit of a privacy nut regarding medical stuff. So the WWC does this Men’s Wellness Program which is confidential and they check you out for all sorts of fun things. Yes, remember boys when you “choose” to be gay, it’s isn’t all fashion and parties.

Anyways, while WWC does a great job and provides a very needed service, it’s still a bit bizarre to go there. Every time I’ve been, there’s been a very interesting slice of society there. Every age, every race, every income level. Some guys are in suits, some are in jeans, some are in work/uniform type clothes. And it’s quiet. Everyone is there for the same reason, and it’s totally anonymous (you’re just a number). So unless you are there with a friend, it’s just very quiet. So after filling out all of the fun paperwork, you then shuffle from office to waiting room to office to waiting room to office. Syphillis, clamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. It’s pretty much a full service check up. In between blood offerings, you get the opportunity to talk with outreach counselors. So it’s a pretty involved process and it’s done fairly smoothly. But it’s not done very quickly. And since there’s no talking, you’re pretty much left alone to think. And considering where you are and the situation, the thoughts aren’t necessarily fun happy thoughts. Was I safe *every* time? Did he lie about his status? What happens if I am? What does that mean? How quick can I get on the right medication? How expensive will it be? What will the side effects be? How will it effect my life, my job, my family, my friends, . . . . It’s a pretty severe downward spiral if you aren’t careful. Lesson learned: bring a book. And a light fluffy book at that.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Petty People

So I updated my profile on (yeah, hope springs eternal) and that for some reason kicks my profile up a notch on the search function and so I’ve gotten a couple of emails. One of the emails is from a guy and in his email he asks for a response “pro or con.” So I send him an email saying thanks, but not really what I’m looking for. So I get another email from him. Which is odd. I’m thinking maybe it’s a thanks for atleast responding since sometimes people don’t respond. And really, how hard is it to write a short email that says, thanks, but I don’t think we’re a good match and then just leave it at that. But it’s not a thank you email. It’s a petty little email saying that he had clicked me by mistake and that he meant to send the email to the guy with muscles. Wow. Kind of sad. Look if you can’t handle rejection, then don’t ask for a response: “pro or con.” I could have just ignored you like most gay guys would. So, anyways, petty people. Just not nice.

Friday, February 04, 2005

Palm Springs

It's supposed to be warm. Palms Springs at the end of January, right? I get off the plane and it's a bit nippy. Did I even pack a long sleeve shirt or a sweater? Oh well, I'll deal.

My mid winter little break was courtesy of Jeff's job. He had to go out there for work, and they ended up renting a house to save the non-profit he works for some money, so I tagged along. So while they worked (7:30AM-1PM), I would lay out by the pool and just relax, read, and work on my tan. After the first day, the weather did improve a bit and it was nice to sit in the sun in my little square cut bathing suit slathered in SPF 15. And when I wanted to take a break, there was the pool and hot tub. So it was rough. But I managed.

Palm Springs is apparently the Mecca for gay men for the White Party that happens over Easter Weekend. Thousands (like 30,000) gay men descend on this very picturesque city to dance the weekend away, most of them high on various chemical enhancements. But for the rest of the time, I guess it's got a decent size gay population, but it's not huge.

On Monday night, after dinner, I decided to go out out to check out the time. Okay, first mistake: going out on a Monday night. I went to Hunters the video bar. It was dead. But I did stay for a red bull (second mistake) and saw one of my favorite Kylie videos (On a Night Like This). Then I headed to this tiki bar. Wow. How tragic. There was a small crowd there, mainly older men, and a really, really, really bad drag queen hosting some sort of kareoke night. I didn't even stay for a drink. Okay, I'm thinking, let's go to the ToolShed, a levi/leather place. I drive over and I walk into the bar. All of the lights are on and they are playing Bingo. I stopped, frozen, by the strange horrific sight in front of me. Bingo? At a leather bar? Have you no shame? I turned around and went back to the house and then channel surfed for a couple of hours since I still "on" from the red bull. Damn those wings!

One of the best things about the trip to Palm Springs was the excusion we made out to the Joshua Tree National Park. Before we left, everyone was telling me to bring a coat. I had a little wind breaker, but I thought, we're going to the desert. Were not going to get cold. But out of peer pressure I brought it. OH MY GAWD. So glad I did. JTNP is in the high desert. As in higher elevation. So when we go there, I'm immediately putting on the jacket. In the sun it wasn't that bad. But when the wind picked up, or when we were in the shadows, it got seriously cold. But we hiked up one of the mountains and it was just amazingly beautiful. Here are a couple of photos.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

On the rocks at Joshua Tree National Park Posted by Hello

On top of a mountain (and freezing!) Posted by Hello