All About Trey

Happy Anniversary!!!!

A year ago today, hundred (maybe thousands) of gay and lesbians were finally allowed to legally marry in Massachusetts. The world didn't end, the US was not attacked by terrorists, heterosexual marriages are still as strong (or weak) as they ever were an cats and dogs are not living together.

In honor of this great fact, here's something I wrote pre-blog:

NEW CELEBRITY GAY MARRIAGE SHOCKS NATION!

The Rosie O’Donnell wedding? Big deal. The National Tattler has found out that a major celebrity gay wedding is planned for the July 4^th weekend and it is set to re-ignite the culture wars like never before. Later this summer after gay marriages become legal in Massachusetts, celebrity action figures GI Joe and Ken will be married in an extravagant wedding planned in the gay summer mecca of Provincetown. When contacted by the National Tattler, GI Joe confirmed the wedding by saying, “I’m going to take the beach, and then take my man to the altar.”

Earlier this year, a spokesman from Mattel, Barbie’s management company, announced the split between Barbie and her long time boyfriend. But despite the announcement of an amicable split, our sources tell us it was anything but. “She wanted the ring,” says Teresa, Barbie’s beach friend. “She wanted to get married. She had the dream house, the beach house, the cool cars, the clothes, jewelry, she even had the wedding gown all picked out, you name it, but what she didn’t have was a husband.”

“And when she found out about Joe, she was mad. Rip the evening gown, throw the tiara mad,” Teresa says. “I suspected something was going wrong a while ago. First of all, they never had sex. They’ve been dating for thirty years, and they never did it? That should have been Barbie’s first clue. I’m all for waiting until you’re married, but that’s a bit insane. Then there were the tea dances. Barbie has a standing tea party at her dream home every Sunday afternoon. Ken used to go. He used to love it. He really got into the different teas, the crumpets, the cucumber sandwiches. But then he got on this Atkins kick. “No carbs after noon” he would joke. And then he stopped going. He said he was going to “tea dances” instead with some of his friends. Barbie wanted to go, but somehow he convinced her she wouldn’t like it.” There was no comment from Barbie or her spokesperson from Mattell.

“I think this is a proud moment for all gay and lesbian action figures,” said Parker Johnson, the spokesman from the Action Figure Defense League. “For far too long, action figures have had to hide their sexual orientation to fit into mainstream society. Isn’t it bad enough that we’re not anatomically correct?” Parker said bitterly. “GI Joe is a national war hero and it’s only fitting that he lead the charge for equal rights for gay and lesbian action figures.” Gays and lesbians make up approximately 10% of the human population, but numbers for the action figure population are not known. “Oh it’s higher, much higher,” said Parker. “Think about all of the hyper-masculine, big muscle famous action figures, in tights and rubber costumes. They are all muscle mary’s,” claimed Parker. “They are just over-compensating to hide their sexual orientation. I hope this wedding opens America’s eyes and lets other gay action figures feel comfortable about coming out of the closet.”

But this new gay wedding has re-ignited the culture war. Leading conservatives quickly denounced the upcoming nuptials and are calling for the dishonorable discharge of GI Joe under the Department of Defense’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. “This is another attempt by the gay and lesbian community to subvert America’s children,” said Anne Koulter. “GI Joe should be ashamed and should be immediately discharged from the Army.” A DOD spokesman said that the Army was looking into the situation. Parker Johnson, in response to these inquiries, responded saying, “The Army can’t kick him out. He’s no longer on active duty. Their silly rules no longer apply to him. He’s always in uniform because it looks good on him, it really emphasizes his chest and arms, but he’s out of the Army.”

Right wing Christian conservatives are also up in arms. “This is a national crisis,” claimed Pat Richardson of the Christans Only Coalition on his daily television show. “This is another sign of the moral decay of our great society. Our little children are being indoctrinated by these gay action figures. What kind of adult will these children grow up to be? What morals will they have? Leave it to the gays to force their unnatural sexual practices on young children, isn’t that what priests are for?” Pat Richardson’s comments on his television show have led to action figures being kicked out of homes or burned alive. Some parents are claiming that the fumes of the burning action figures are giving them headaches. Parker Johnson responded saying, “Pat Richardson’s comments are completely irresponsible and hurtful to all action figures, gay and straight alike. Even now action figures are being threatened and killed. What part of the “Love Thy Neighbor” doesn’t Pat understand? I personally find the continual references to gay sex as a means to rile up the Christian conservative base and frighten mainstream America offensive and just plain stupid. This isn’t about sex, gay or straight. Action figures are not anatomically correct. So if Pat Richardson thinks it’s all about gay sex, then he must have gay sex on the brain. It’s all about love. GI Joe loves Ken. And I think that scares Pat”.

Amid all of the media frenzy, Provincetown is gearing up for the wedding. “We were hoping Ben and Matt would come here to get married, but this is much better, much bigger,” said Julian Smythe, owner of the Prince Albert Guest House on Commercial Street in Provincetown. The GI Joe and Ken wedding will take place during the height of the annual circuit party called “Summer Camp” when this small New England town is overrun with hot gay men. “Oh it’s going to throw a wrench into every circuit boi’s plans,” claimed Tom, a close friend to GI Joe. “Invitations to the wedding are the hottest item in the country,” claims Tom, originally a native of Finland, but who now lives in San Francisco. “I almost feel sorry for those boi’s lucky enough to get a invitation. I mean, what will they wear? The circuit party uniform is baggy shorts and no shirt (hot pants are so last year). But gay men never have an informal wedding. It’s going to be over-the-top glamour, black tie, flowers everywhere, maybe an ice sculpture of David. Personally I think Joe wants more of a low key wedding, but he’s whipped by Ken. He’ll be in his dress uniform if Ken gets his way.”

With the proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriages and the recent gay weddings in various locations around the United States, the wedding of GI Joe and Ken will certainly be a media circus. Pick up next week’s National Tattler to get more dirt on the GI Joe-Ken wedding.

posted by Trey @ 6:05 PM