I was rockin out at the gym tonight listening to some of the music I got in Ptown and realized that I Make the Beat Go Boom, Papi!
Deep in the diskoteca The beats can make you wetta I have the sex you want I have the sex you flaunt
I rock my body hard. In this place to be I make it hot, dirty, sexy, can you please me?
I make the beat go boom, papi I make the beat go boom.
It has this typical european, perma dance beat going and it was just so funny. And of course once I got the words in my head, I couldn't stop. "I make the beat go BOOM papi, I make the beat go boom!"
I'm healthy. I've got good friends. I've got a good job. I've got a nice place to live. I've got a family who love me.
So on a scale of one to ten, ten being "my life is horrible", I'm really around a 2 or a 3. Not perfect, but definitely not something I need to bitch this much about.
Which doesn't mean that I don't need to get my sh!t together, it just means I'm not going to hyper focus on it and become (more?) obsessive about it.
Gee, it's amazing what a good night of sleep can do!
What have I been doing the last couple of years? At some point, I stopped being, living, growing. I sort of got stuck into a routine, a bad routine at that, which came to define who I am.
For the last couple of months, I've started to have this overwhelming feeling that I'm stuck and that I need to change. And when I mean change, I mean CHANGE! Something extreme, something significant. Atleast thats what I feel like I want. The rational, level headed guy that I am knows that I can't do anything too extreme. Quitting my job and moving to Hollywood to be an actor, or to Tibet to be a monk for that matter, aren't realistic options.
And yet I wonder if I can truly change. I've tried to make changes in my life before, but lately I seem to have had more failures than successes. Do I do something to sabotage my own efforts to make a real, constructive change because I'm afraid of what it will mean? Am I so comfortable in my own little version of hell that I'm afraid, unwilling, unable to change? I'm tired of just muddling along.
The semi-good news is that I'm going on vacation again soon so I'll use that as an opportunity to push all of these feelings and emotions and issues back into the crevices of my mind. I imagine that they will start to seep back out in a couple of months and I should be ready for a full fledge breakdown around my 40th birthday. See, I'm such a planner. I'm already planning to be miserable for my 40th. Wow, I'm good.
So I decided that I wanted to get up to Boston a bit earlier, so I tried to go standby on an earlier shuttle flight. But no! If there's a way to squeeze another dollar out of you, they will. So I could go on the earlier flight, but it would cost me an additional $25. I was at the airport really early for my original flight, so I just went ahead and paid for it.
I go through security, get to the gate, and then find out that my flight is 25 minutes late. So I just paid $25 dollars to catch a shuttle flight ONE hour early and then I find out that it's 25 minutes late. And actually, by the time we took off, we were about 35 minutes late.
Oh, and to add insult to injury, my bag didn't make it on my flight. I'm here for one fricken day and because of the new travel restrictions I have to check my bag. So I paid $25 dollars to get to Boston to 25 minutes early, and then my bag doesn't show up so it was all for naught.
And I know what you're thinking. $25. Get over it. But it's the principle of the thing.
Oh, and it's rainy and like 56 degrees up here in Boston. Hello, isn't it still August? WTF?
I had one of those really rare moments where I accidently said something that was just a bit too honest. I said it as a joke of course, and I think it was taken that way, but I'm not sure.
I was at work going to a meeting and I walked in and one of the guys asked me how I was doing, and I replied with "okay considering."
He and I have a running joke about basically lying when we get asked that question and he responded with, "Not that I really care but I thought I should ask."
I smiled and said, "I know you don't care, but I thought I would give you an answer anyways."
"Well aren't you just lying to me again?"
"No this time I'm actually telling the truth. I think everyone just expects me to lie, so I thought I would tell the truth for a while just to mess with people."
Let's see, I was a youngster (aka sophmore) at the Naval Academy. I had survived plebe year, barely. I was young, and naive, but I had a plan.
I would graduate from the Naval Academy and become a NFO (Naval Flight Officer). This was just after Top Gun, so being a Naval Aviator was the rage. I had bad vision (this was pre-Lasik) so I couldn't be a pilot, but an NFO on a P-3 (where the NFO is the commander of the plane) sounded good. I would do my 2 years of flight school, then five years in the Navy (my minimum obligation). If I liked it, I would stay in and go for 20. If I didn't, I would get out and then I would move to Amsterdam or some place in Europe. I was getting my degree in Naval Architecture and they just don't build a lot of ships here in the US. So I would live abroad (flashbacks to my childhood) for a couple of years to get some good experience, and then when I was ready to "slow down" a bit, I would come back to the United States and do ship design and stuff for the Navy. A nice government job where I would work 8 hours and leverage my time already in the Navy towards a nice retirement package.
There you go. I had it all mapped out. Not a bad plan for a 20 year old I guess.
Ah, but let's take a deeper look. What does this life plan focus on? Work, work, and more work. Even at this early age, I'd started to define myself by my job. Do you see any reference to falling in love, getting married, or having children? No, of course not. Deep down, way deep down I knew that wasn't going to happen for me. It would be years before the self-acknowledgement of my sexual orientation, but back then, I just knew that my future didn't involve the usual goals and milestones that my friends would have. So that part of my life was just skipped in the plan.
I've had several life plans in the past 20 years or so. Most, if not all of them, followed this same pattern. And then consistently I've felt unhappy, incomplete, unfulfilled. Having a life plan that doesn't include anything else other than work is not good.
Do I even need a life plan anymore? What about just experiencing life and living one day at a time? I hear/read about people who LIVE their lives. While it just seems like I plan mine. And obviously not very well.
I told you there was some deep sh!t stirred up when I was sick and stuck at home for three days.
As I walked out of the quite tragic Golds in Rosslyn, there was a sign for a new Gold's in Clarendon opening soon. "Right Across from the Cheesecake Factory!"
And for the bonus round, I was listening to NPR waiting for SuperLawyer's interview and they were talking about Saddam Hussein's trial for gassing his own people back in the 1980s. The interesting thing I learned is that at the time the Reagan administration wouldn't even impose sanctions against Iraq! They thought sanctions would be too harsh and they were trying to win over Iraq as a strategic ally against Iran. So let me get this clear: at the time=sanctions too harsh; 20 years later=invade the country. Ah yes, it all makes sense to me now.
After three days of "resting" I finally felt good enough to go back to work and I was almost glad to go back. Almost.
In addition to watching really bad television, I also watched really bad movies. I've had a stack of netflix movies on my table and finally got around to watching them. They were all gay, indie type movies and all surprisingly awful. The only semi-redeeming value was the eye candy, but even still I had problems paying attention to the movies.
I did spend some quality time on the phone with United. When I had to cancel part of my vacation, I had to re-book my ticket using my ff miles and it was not pretty. National-Philly- Stockholm-Zurich-Athens with not one, but two (!) seven plus hour layovers. Not fun. After much cajoling and pleading, I've got a direct Dulles-Zurich-Athens flight. Of course I now have a fun 12 hour layover in Zurich. Of course, having never been there, I may ditch the airport and head into town to wander around. Or, I'll try to fly standby to see if I can get into Athens earlier.
The problem with staying home with nothing to do and no one to talk to is that I think too much. All of that stuff about my life, my career, my thoughts, my feelings. Ugh! I keep busy so I don't have to think about all of that stuff (hence the use of bad television as an avoidance mechanism). But I have been thinking alot. Some good, some bad. I suspect that going into therapy would probably be a good thing if it wouldn't impact my security clearance. So until that isn't an issue, I'll just have to muddle along. Just be warned that I may start spewing some strange thoughts and ideas.
The trip to Charleston was a mistake. Oh, it was interesting. But around 3PM the cold medicine wore off and I started to feel like crap again. But there was just enough medicine left in my body to make me slur my words and make me sound drunk. How professional is that? It was like the my entire vocabulary had been checked out of my brain. Not good. The headache started to kick in while I was at the airport in Charleston and then it only got worse. I made it back to Dulles and drove home with tears coming down my face because my head hurt so bad. When I got home I promptly took like 4 tylenol PM and crashed.
I woke up on Friday and realized that work just wasn't going to happen. So I've spent the last 48 hours going from my bed, to my sofa, to my bed again. I haven't had this much rack time in forever and I must have been worn out as I've slept ALOT in the past couple of days. Sleep is good. TV is bad.
Dear lord, how can I get sucked into such bad TV at all hours of the day and night? I'm not just talking crappy movies on Showtime or HBO. Oh, it's much worse. I've sunk so low that I'm watching movie of the week repeats (yes repeats!!) on Oxygen and WE! And the top 20 most embarrassing moments on the red carpet on E! Did I mention that I was delirious? That's my only excuse.
Atleast I haven't succombed to the Real World/Road Rules Fresh Meat marathon.
That's what sore throats feel like to me. Like Wolverine's claws, they just sort of erupt from my throat and then it just hurts to breathe much less swallow. Just not fun. Oh, important tip, if I'm drinking hot liquids, then I'm really sick. Currently I'm enjoying Lemon Echinacea Throat Coat. It's not too terribly bad and it does seem to help. Can't wait for when I go to sleep tonight. I'm going to have to drug myself pretty heavily if I'm going to get to sleep tonight.
Which is just as well as I got up extra early this AM to get my car safety inspected. Shockingly enough at 0600 when I arrived at the DC safety inspection facility, I was like car 60. Seriously! But they moved fairly quickly. I got out of there in less than an hour. So that's not too bad. I will say the happy, customer friendly attitude I was expecting was out in full force, even at 6AM. Thanks peeps. Trust me, I was just as happy to be there as you were.
Charles Town and Charleston. Busy week for me. I was in Charles Town on Monday. Well actually Martinsburg buy hey it's WV, so why deal with details. The drive was easy, quick and actually quite pleasant. I'm looking forward to my trip to Lost River in October. But the one thing I did find annoying was that for all of the construction there were signs that showed how much money for the construction was coming from federal funds, and how much from state funds. And it was always 3-4 times more federal funding that state funding. This whole "we get more money from Uncle Sam than you do" in your face attitude made me mad. Yeah, like they really need another 4 lane highway out here in West bum f&^k Virginia. Oh favorite bumper sticker: "My Dad's on the Honor Roll at Cliff's Bar & Grill." Sad, but probably true.
Oh Charleston. I'm off to Charleston for a one day trip, there and back. A long day and I won't get a chance to sample my favorite buffulo fried shrimp at Coast. Oh well, maybe next time.
So last night I finally made it to a Nats game. Well, sort of. In honor of the Negro League, the Washington Nationals were transformed into the Washington Greys, and the NY Mets were transformed into the NY Cubans. And just to confuse everyone, they were referred to as the Greys and the Cubans. Not the Nationals and Mets. Though the player profiles on the screen did finally clue me in. By the way, for bonus confusion, the Washington Greys' uniforms were White, and the NY Cubans' uniforms were Grey. Confused yet? Yeah me too.
Lots of good people watching. We had good seats and I was especially entranced by the very woofy looking catcher umprire. Of course, if your job required you to squat for 5 hours a night, you'd have buns of steals also. And it looked like he had a very nice upper body build as well. Definitely yummy.
However, I keep thinking the gays could do baseball so much better.
Those old, outdated uniforms? Ugh. Everytime I see a good looking guy in a baseball jersey, I just wince. Admit it, if "the gays" were running the league, the uniforms would be tight fitting shirts designed by some fashion queen with tight shorts sleeves to show off the biceps, tapered waists for a clean profile and every gay boy would be wearing their favorite teams shirt that they've bought at A&F or Univeral Gear.
The athletes. True, some of them are good looking, but some not. And some of them are not in shape. Can you imagine a team of hot looking gay guys, muscled, tanned, and with perfect haircuts actually working up a sweat under the lights? Yum. Oh, and I think for fan appreciate night they would hand out hair or skin care products instead of giving out the crappy souveniers they give out now. And then for the all-star game maybe they could just play shirtless. Sort of like a homage to circuit boys.
The team names? Nationals? Mets? Browns? Ugh. Boring! Imagine the Versace Vikings! Or the Prada Pirates!
Wait, that's too gay isn't it? I've crossed the line, haven't I? Oh nevermind.
It was the late summer of 1999.I’ve forgotten the exact day.Sort of like how your memory dulls or fades certain painful memories.I could probably go back and figure it out, but I don’t want to.
It was another Saturday night in Naples and I had settled into my usual routine.A quick (and early) dinner at the La Betolla down the hill, and then a couple of movies.My social life in Naples was pretty non-existent.I had picked up “Saving Private Ryan” and “The Matchmaker” for the evening.I knew Saving Private Ryan was going to be tough to get through, so I wanted a light fluffy romantic comedy to go with it and I love Janeane Garofolo.
Saving Private Ryan was good, and tough.And I was about 2/3 of the way through the movie when my phone rang.It was the RM1 who was in charge of the watch at the communication station I worked for.“LT R” He said tentatively.“Yes”, I responded.“I’ve got the results of the 0-4 (LCDR) selection board and I was told to call the Captain when they came in, but I can’t get a hold of him.Are you acting XO?”My XO was on a diving trip in Egypt and as the next senior officer at the command, I was acting XO for the weekend.“Yes” I replied again.
“Who’s on the list?” I asked.There were three of us up for promotion from my command.
“LT J is on the list.”
“That’s all?” I asked.
“Yes sir” he replied.
“I said, okay what section are you looking at?LT J is an LDO.LT A and myself are Fleet Support Officers, there’s a different section for us.Can you find the section that’s titled 1700-Fleet Support Officer.”There was a moment of silence.
“Oh, LT A is on the list.” He said.
“Okay, look farther down the list, it’s alphabetical, do you see my name?”
“No, sir.I’m sorry sir.”
“Well RM1 X, I’m probably going to hate you for a very long time, but please don’t take it personally.” I tried to joke.
After I put the phone down, I turned back to the movie.I didn’t want to think about what this meant.It was too much to think about.I was probably in a bit of shock, or denial, or whatever you want to call it.So I turned back to the movie.Big mistake.
As the movie progressed, I started to cry.In jags.Between the movie and the realization that my Naval career was over, I pretty much lost it.My emotions were all over the place and I cried.
It’s hard to describe the impact, or the feeling, or the thoughts going through my head.I was watching a very patriotic and inspiring movie that really spoke to the feelings, desires, hopes, and dreams of those who serve in the military.It spoke of a certain comradiery and fellowship that exists in the military.The feeling that you’re a small but important part of team trying to achieve something good, something better than yourself, something important, something for your country.And I realized that anything sort of resembling that was no longer going to be a part of my life.I had spent almost 15 years of my life in the Navy (if you include the NavalAcademy) and now I was essentially getting kicked out.I had devoted my entire adult life in the Navy.And now I was being told that I wasn’t good enough.And it hurt.Looking back now I can realize that I had made my professional life, my whole life.So while this was just a repudiation of my professional life, it really felt like a judgement against me as a person.
The movie ended and I stopped crying after awhile.It was late, but I couldn’t sleep.My mind, and my emotions, were on hyper drive.But I didn’t want to think about it any more, about what it meant, about what I needed to do next, and on and on and on.I needed something to take my mind off everything.So I popped in the second movie.
It was cute and funny and I sort of paid attention to it.It became background music or noise or whatever to all of the conversations in my head.I couldn’t really block them out completely so I would dive in and climb out of the various thoughts in my head while I watched the movie.Late in the film, there’s a scene where the guy opposite Janeane is trying to explain why he did something, and he said, “Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out.Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out.”
The phrase rang though my head.I could fight to stay in.I could see if I got selected on my second look, or I could take this opportunity to get out.I liked the Navy.I got to do a lot of great stuff and meet some great people.But I had also come to distrust the system a bit.I was tired of type A abusive leaders who thought you could win an argument by yelling the loudest.And I was also tired of not having a life.Between the time on the ship, my first shore tour where I got my MA as well as did the Navy War College, I had poured all of my energy, all of my focus, all of me into being the picture perfect Naval Officer.And I was not picture perfect, or even close.
Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out.
I knew I was gay by this time.I was on the tail end of the denial process, but it was coming to an abrupt end soon.I had put any social life, any sex life, on hold to pursue my career.And now that career was over.I knew that if I didn’t figure out a way to balance a professional life with a real personal life, that I was going to be missing something important, something crucial, in my life.
So I made the decision to not fight it, to get out of the Navy, to figure out who I was supposed to be.Or atleast start down that path a bit more honestly, and openly.
I usually don't dream much. I think it's because I sleep so poorly anyways. Not exactly sure. Except that I do know that for the last couple of nights I've eaten late and/or had a couple of drinks late and then fallen asleep and had really vivid dreams. Okay, there's nothing special or remarkable about that, right?
Except I've had the same dream three nights in a row. I'm applying to go back to the Naval Academy. I've already graduated, but I'm applying to go back. I've done it once, so the second time should be a piece of cake, right? But once I get in, I find things have changed. The rules have changed, the system is changed, and I feel like I'm trapped. I keep doing things, things that I know are right, but then they turn out wrong for some reason. And then I get really anxious and start to have second thoughts about the Naval Academy and then I sort of have an anxiety attack, in my dream! And then I wake up.
Looking back at it now, I can sort of see this is a reaction to stuff going on at work. But still it's weird. And probably not healthy.
Can someone please explain to me why guys are going into the sauna when it's over a 100 frickin degrees outside? Working out at the gym wasn't enough, you want to sweat some more? Then go take a walk outside and you'll be sweating in no time.
Okay, and I've read this in several other blogs, but I have to chime in. I don't care if you have the body of a greek god, please don't hang out in the locker room naked just for kicks. It's rude, it's weird, and it's NOT sexy! I walked into the shower section, and there was this guy washing himself with the curtain to his stall wide open and he was standing half way into the middle area. Hello, you're not THAT big you can't fit into the stupid stall. Please go in there and then CLOSE THE CURTAIN. After I showered, he was standing in front of the sink, no towel, no nothing, just his birthday suit and I'm not even sure what he was doing. Agh! Stop it. And no, he was not attactive at all.
Let's see, it's Thursday night so I'm sure everyone is out having a good time. But I'm tired and it's hot out, so I'm just going to curl up next to the fan and try to go to sleep early.
